Irn-Bru *
Picture the scene in picturesque Bordeaux, south-west France.
Footballs fly in the air, driven by passion rather than skill.
For generations, Irn-Bru was as staple to our diet as bread and potatoes.
Why the eulogy for a fizzy drink, I hear you ask?
We must secure the top spot in our own market for Scotland's top soft drink.
Irn-Bru has seen its sales grow by 400 per cent in England in the past ten years. When the bottom fell out of that market in 1875, the great-great-grandfather of current Irn-Bru king, Robin Barr, started on soft drinks.
Unfortunately, they no longer manufacture in Falkirk, having done their share of 'rationalisation' like most manufacturers during the Tory years.
Only Robin Barr, his retired cousin and one other unnamed company director know the secret ingredient in Irn-Bru essence. I hope they keep well and don't travel together.
I wish them well in their battle with the American multinationals.
Two thousand kilted Scottish football fans are gathered on the steps of the grand city opera house.
Ewing MacGregor has just swung by with his dad in their touring car and hundreds of Norwegian fans are joining in the party.
More of the local wine is being sunk than would be advisable.
The pipes skirl and the songs flow but one is more popular than the rest.
The fans have put their own words to the World Cup anthem.
"Irn-bru, irn-bru, irn-bru, irn-bru, irn-bruuuu, irn-bru, irn-bru, irn-bruu irn-bru -SCOTLAND"
It's difficult to get the tune over in print, but I hope you see what I mean. It was all fantastic.
Like the tartan hats with ginger Jimmy wigs worn as an ironic badge of identity, our other national drink is a tongue-in-cheek statement.
Many of us have reached through the mists of a Sunday morning for a cold bottle of the stuff.
Its secret essence cleanses the soul after a night on the tiles.
It is like the Highland Spring, a gift from the Gods.
Most fruit drinks have only one flavour; the Bru has 32.
Well, a battle royal is on for the number one spot in the Scottish soft drinks market.
In a world where every other country in the developed world blandly lines up behind Pepsi or Coke, we are unique in having our own best seller.
Now, with Coke poised on 24 per cent behind Barr's Irn-Bru on 25 per cent, war has been declared.
American fizz v Scots bru grit.
We must stand firm behind a great Scottish success story. Scotland expects......
We must persuade our good friends and neighbours in the South to keep going.
In Moscow, sales reached 20 million litres last year.(2001)
It has raeched the 'dry' Islamic countries of the Middle East, disproving the myth it is only drunk on the morning after.
Barr have set up a franchise in the United Arab Emirates and plan to expand from there.
Next year sees the hundredth anniversary of Irn-Bru, and Barr have come a long way from their beginnings as a cork manufacturer in Falkirk in 1830.
They opened in Glasgow in 1887 and in Wishaw in 1910.
Now they're based in Cumbernauld, employing more than 100 locals and planning to expand.
However McCowan's Toffee people are making the Irn-Bru Chew in nearby Stenhousemuir, so I suppose the link remains.
Two pals of mine, now plying their trade as journalists, and therefore nameless, once run a campaign to take Irn-Bru to Ireland.
They were students at Trinity College in Dublin.
Tired of making do with fizzy water to cool their fevered brows they wrote to Irn-Bru HQ in Glasgow.
Barr sent them crates of the stuff for free - nice move and now the drink is sold across the Emerald Isle.
We might not make many girders in Scotland anymore, but I'm glad we're still making the delicious fizzy liquid that comes from them.
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