The Lord sends the food - the devil sends the cooks.

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You can only go halfway into a wood before you're coming out.

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If you like puzzles you should find life very enjoyable.

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Don't put off until tomorrow what you can put off until next week.

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Some days I like to feel lethargic; other days I just can't be bothered.

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You don't need to be tall to be big.

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As you sew, so shall yer buttons fa aff.

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A black cat is lucky - unless you've got a white carpet

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I've just turned 34 - before I turned it, it was 43.

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Do fat cats all come from Cheshire?

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Politics; an old game in which snakes climb ladders.

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Never tell your friends what your enemies would like to know.

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Life is less of a drama once you start getting the punchlines.

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A single person is someone who didn't want to make the same mistake once.

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Why is the five minutes one waits for a bus so much longer than the five minutes one has left to catch one?

Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

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Earth's most contented inhabitants probably can't read.

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Two heads are better than one - especially on a pillow.

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People work for money. If you want loyalty, buy a dog.

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Time, tide and public transport waits for no man.

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If you can't say something good to someone's face - whisper it behind their back.

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When your ship comes in you'll be at the airport.

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Everyone talks about my drinking but no one talks about my thirst.

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The day you wake up with no problems will probably be your last.

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The optimist is disappointed; the pessimist is pleasantly surprised.

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Political correctness; inept euphemisms which embarrass more that did vicious insults.

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Don't grow old; there's no future in it.

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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

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Some girls reverse evolution by making monkeys out of men.

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Your enemies are your best critics.

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Lust is a thriller - love is a killer.

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A grandparent is a parent given a second chance.

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To assume is folly; it makes an ASS of U and ME.

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No woman can resist the scent of fresh-cut diamonds.

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Politicians give the people what they want, whether they want it or not.

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Faith can move mountains (she's a big strong girl)

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All work with low pay makes Jack a dole boy.

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Rigid discipline makes for an immaculate servant but seldom an enterprising ally.

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Taking drugs is so conventional, probably your postman, milkman etc., take them - really it's the most boring straight thing.

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You can't have your cake and be size 10.

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If he who hesitates is lost, why look before you leap?

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Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.

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Some men don't bring the boss home for dinner; she's already there!

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You know you're getting old when the houses you helped to build are being refurbished.

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A bird in the Strand is worth two in Shepherd's Bush.

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Rome wasn't built in a day - it just looks that way.

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Those who say it can't be done shouldn't interrupt the person doing it.

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There's no point in suffering in silence; no one notices.

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It's an ill wind that blows when you've just been to the hairdressers.

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Two's company - Three's the outcome.

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You know you've put on weight when your smalls become bigs.

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One does not make friends, one recognises them.

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A well-wisher is a person who wishes you were down one.

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Practice makes perfect; except when getting up in the morning.

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I've been wrong only once: I thought I'd made a mistake, but hadn't.

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Surf the net - clean your curtains.

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When you can't smell burning - its salad for tea.

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Visitors never notice the absence of cobwebs.

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A ghost is an invisible object, usually seen at night.

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When someone finds someone in their life who makes a difference, it's such a wonderful thing. It doesn't happen to most people.

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You should never take your marriage too seriously, let people be who they are and be yourself.

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People who took heroin or cocaine are either brilliant or buried- those who smoked canabis are absolutely brain dead.

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people want as much as they can get for as little as they can give.

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Its a long road that has no MacDonald's.

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Acquaintances meet by chance but drunks always find one another.

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The facts of life are fiction to some.

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