Hughie's humurous letter to the University

Dear Sir,
Sometime ago I entered into an agreement with your office concerning the bequest of my body to Glasgow University Anatomy Department for scientific purposes.
The offer of the bequest was made in the early sixties and confirmed by your office in a letter held by the secretary at Erskine Hospital.
The letter contained instructions regarding the arrangements to be completed when the time for the implementation of my bequest came into effect. In particular, instructions were made regarding the fact that my executor must not make any arrangement with an undertaker for the removal of my body or to provide a coffin.
I had indicated to you, by the completion of the form enclosed with your letter, my desire for cremation upon the conclusion of your office's use of my body, the expenses of which would be borne by your office, as indicated in your letter.
However, I have heard recently from officials at Erskine Hospital, where I am still residing, that you no longer require the use of my body.
I have had no official confirmation of this from you, but were that to be the case, it would place me in considerable hardship since I have made no financial arrangements for my funeral expenses.
I am not in a position to remedy this situation and neither is my next of kin.

In an attempt to alleviate this distress I have contemplated the following solutions;

BODY BAG
An alternative to a coffin could be the use of a body bag. However, I am reliably informed by West Renfrew Council that two bin bags sewn together does not constitute a proper bag. In addition, it is a contravention of their health and safety standards for their refuse collectors to uplift two bags joined together.

HOME MADE COFFIN
I have recently taken up woodworking classes in an attempt to fabricate my own coffin. The use of chipboard is not a recommended material since the finish obtained is unacceptable. Attempts to cover the chipboard with sticky backed wood veneer have not met with any success.

VIKING FUNERAL
Recent genealogical studies have revealed that my surname derives from the Nordic name KYRIE meaning "Great Warrior". In keeping with Viking traditions a floating funeral pyre has been suggested. Given the amount of alcohol I have been consuming of late, its inflammability is assured.
However, the amount of time the pyre is likely to burn will mean that it will pose a hazard to shipping as it drifts towards Greenock. Should the pyre reach the vicinity of Beauforts Dyke, then the wartime munitions materials dumped there may be ignited. Enquiries with the Scottih Office have confirmed that such an outcome could only be permitted as part of the Millennium celebrations.

JANE FONDA WORKOUT
Until this matter is resolved to my satisfaction, I have refused to die. In order to assist me in fulfilling this promise, I have taken up aerobics using the Jane Fonda workout. The exercises are not presenting me with any problems, but the leotard is proving difficult and is causing friction burns in the posterior region.

LARGER LIVER
Some people have suggested that the reason for an apparent change in the arrangemnts has been the loss of my arm. In order to compensate for this I have been consuming additional amounts of alcohol to enlarge my liver. This should help to compensate for the weight loss caused by the loss of my arm.

The uncertainty surrounding the alleged changes to the aforementioned arrangements (entered into freely all those years ago) is causing me considerable distress. I would urge you to confirm as soon as possible that the original agreement still stands, and that the terms of that agreement will be upheld at the appropriate time.
In order to alleviate the distress and anxiety this is causing me, I am refusing to die. I will retain my body in perfect condition, as indicated by the copy of my CAT scan enclosed.

Yours faithfully
Hugh Currie.

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TAKE ME BACK TO GOVAN FOLK PLEASE.
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