To celebrate his 60th birthday on 24/11/2002

60 CLASSIC MOMENTS
(in the life of Billy Connolly)

(1) Even as a boy Billy wanted to be a comedian. He said "I told a science teacher, Jim Sheridan, who said to me ' I saw you playing football at lunchtime - you've achieved your ambition already'

(2) Billy once worked as a milkboy, delivering pints to Celtic star Bobby Evans and Rangers' Willie Waddell.

(3) While working as a welder Billy joined the T.A. where, at the medical, the doctor said, "You're not very big downstairs, are you?" to which Billy quipped; 'I thought we were only going to fight them'

(4) Billy was always a practical joker and once electrocuted fellow welder Alex Mosson - the current Lord Provost of Glasgow - who issued the dark threat "I'll hang yer jaw aff yer face"

(5)Tony Roper, Jamsie Cotter in Rab C Nesbitt, first met Connolly when they worked for Bilsland Bakery in Anderston. Billy recalled Tony as a sharp dresser with sideburns and drainpipes to complete his teddy-boy look.

(6) Billy burst into showbiz with folk band The Humblebums in 1965 with Tam Harvey. At his first gig, he said, "My name's Billy Connolly and I'm humble. This is Tam Harvey, he's a bum"

(7) Billy started swearing at the age of THREE - when a neighbour cut up a bun he pointed to the end with the most icing and remarked; "I want that f*****g piece"

(8) When second wife Pamela Stephenson first met Billy he swore so much she thought he had Tourette's Syndrome.

(9) It's his observations on Glasgow life that made him a hit like; "Parents would always ask if you had clean underwear on, in case you had an accident. You can imagine your father going up to the hospital and the nurse saying ' Mr Connolly, Billy's in a terrible state. He's been hit by a double decker bus, he's in intensive care and I don't even know if I should let you in to see him - incidentally, his underwear is a f*****g disgrace"

(10) By the mid-70's he had become a target for the God-fearing crowd, after his album - SOLO CONCERT - contained a sketch about the Last Supper being held in Gallowgate and Jesus was constantly referred to as The Big Yin

(11) But Billy refused to apologise. He said The Last Supper was where Jesus would come in the room and they were all eating Chinese takeaway and he said "Where did you get that?" And they replied 'Judas bought them, he seems to have come into some money'

(12) He has been beaten up on stage TWICE. He said; "In Brisbane one guy tried to belt me in the jaw - but he made the mistake of presuming my chin came to the end of my beard"

(13) The second time he was attacked was while touring with Elton John in The States. He said; "In Washington a guy threw a pipe. It wasn't my audience, they made me feel as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit"

(14) Connolly joined the elite band of Scots to have No;1 hits in 1975 with his cover version of Tammy Wynette's D.I.V.O.R.C.E. He said "I decided to make it a little dirtier, like 'she sank my teeth in my B.U.M. and called me an effin C"

(15) His favourite single though was 1979 hit "In The Brownies". He said 'I got to play every one of The Village People. The gays loved it.

(16) In 1975 Billy made his first appearance on the Parkinson Show and told arguably the most important joke of his career - the bicycle sketch.

(17) It goes; This guy meets his friend in the pub and he asked his mate how he was. He was like 'fine, fine, but I've just killed my wife. I'll show you if you want.' So they go into the back green and beside the washhouse is a big mound of earth, with a bum sticking out of it. He said; 'Is that her? What did you leave her bum sticking out for?' And he replied; "I need somewhere to park my bike"

(18) Parkinson said recently; 'To this day people come up to me and say "connolly's bicycle joke was the best thing on your show"

(19) On another Parky appearance, Emu creator Rod Hull turned his attention to Billy - only to be told by a stern faced Connolly "I'll break its neck and your f*****g arm."

(20) Speaking about Parky, Connolly said; "That programme changed my entire life"

(21) Parkinson enjoyed several crazy nights out with Billy. He said "I remember being in Sydney's Kings Cross at 2am and Billy standing in the middle of five lane intersection, directing cars. I had the job of persuading him to come back to the hotel but he'd only go if I'd dance with him"

(22) When Billy quit Scotland, he was lambasted by his fans. He said "I met a Scots woman in Melbourne who called me a traitor for living in England. I said 'But you live in Australia - if you got any further away you would be getting closer' and she said 'Yeah - but its not England"

(23) Billy left his first wife Iris in 1979 after meeting Pamela. But it wasn't love at first sight. She recalled; "I went to meet him - and I was completely taken by surprise at this THING"

(24) Pamela made him give up the mad drink binges which once saw him found upside down in a ditch after ploughing his car into a field. He said "Pamela didn't change me - she saved me"

(25) During his drinking years, Billy once was so drunk he called his manager after he couldn't find his way out of a phonebox. His manager said; "It's not that difficult, there's only four sides and one's got the phone on it"

(26) In 1988 Billy and Pamela bought a mansion in Windsor, which they renamed Grunt Futtock Hall.

(27) Billy ditched his trademark beard for the 1990 film The Big Man. He said "It was my uniform that changed me from Billy Connolly the welder to all windswept and interesting."

(28) But he wished he hadn't bothered shaving off his goatee. He added "I just looked like a potato head with a hint of John Cleese."

(29) he cleared his role in The Debt Collector with reformed hardman Jimmy Boyle. Billy said; "Jimmy did find it uncomfortable, but was OK in the end."

(30) Movie producer Douglas Rae said Connolly was instrumental in getting funding for 1997's award-winning film Mrs Brown - when he told BBC bosses; "If you give us the money I'll play Queen Victoria myself"

(31) Connolly instantly hit it off with his Mrs Brown co-star Dame Judi Dench - when he brazenly showed her his nipple ring over lunch in a posh London restaurant.

(32) The Scot starred with Basic Instinct beauty Sharon Stone two years ago in Beautiful Joe. He said "I brought up that famous exposure scene - I said why don't we do the scene, but I'll open my legs. Three people vomited."

(33) Billy reckons his kindred spirit is Sir Michael Caine. He said "He's the only man I know who thinks like me."

(34) But Billy thought he'd never make it as a movie star. He joked "I didn't think I had a chance after Rob Roy and Braveheart had every Scotsman who could walk upright in them and they didn't f***ing ask me."

(35) On handing over an award to Sean Connery in 1992, Billy quipped; "Well done Baldy - I wish I had your money", to which Connery replied "I'll see you outside"

(36) Billy later crossed swords with SNP supporter Connery when he branded his party 'hairies with kilts'

(37) After his first visit to Buckingham Palace he said; "even the corgis looked at me as if to say 'what the **** are you doing here?'

(38) Billy broke into the American market in 1989 after Whoopi Goldberg arranged a New York gig with a star-studded audience.

(39) The sketch which had Robin Williams rolling in the aisles that night went - 'Ladies and Gentleman, in the highly unlikely event the aircraft suffers a loss of power, in all probability we'll go into the ground like a f***ing dart. We would be obliged if you would wear your lifejacket on the way down. This will do you no good, but when archaeologists find you in 200 years time, they'll think there once was a river there'.

(40) Billy's popularity has never waned on the stand up circuit. He has broken many records including 20 sell-out nights at The Sydney Opera House.

(41) He may be a multi-millionaire, but his generosity amongst his old shipyard pals is legendary. In 1994 he found his fellow apprentice Jimmy Logan living as a tramp in Durban, South Africa, and gave him a huge wedge of dosh.

(42) Two years ago Billy forgot Pamela's birthday on December 4 so he had the date tattooed on his arm.

(43) Billy recieved an honorary doctorate from the University of Glasgow last year saying; "I'm now a Doctor of Letters, most of them F and B's"

(44) A besotted fan asked Billy for an autograph while the star was having a pee by asking "Would you mind signing this?" "No problem" replied Billy, "If you don't mind holding this"

(45) Although teetotal, Billy can be regularly spotted in his favourite Glasgow boozer The Clutha Vaults.

(46) In 1997 Billy performed two gigs to build homes in India for more than 50 orphans. He continues to fund them through his Tickety-Boo Tea.

(47) The wit and wisdom of Connolly; "There are two seasons in Scotland - June and Winter"

(48) "When people blow their noses, they look into their hankies. What do they expect to find? A silver sixpence?"

(49) "I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me £1."

(50) "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of The Lone Ranger"

(51) "Ian Paisley's wife went to the dentist the other week. The dentist asked her; "Well, how's the mouth?" She said "Still in bed"

(52) "I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives"

(53) "The great thing about being a showbiz personality is that you don't fart, you get a fartectomy"

(54) "It was so cold that when I woke up in the morning I found a wee ice cube in the bed. I threw it in the fire and it went 'FART'

(55) My parents used to take me to Lewis' in Glasgow. They were skin-flints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo"

(56) "Scots-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, its easy - look under the kilt, and if its a quarter-pounder, its a MacDonald's"

(57) I've never understood people who wear wigs. Why pay good money for a wig when you can get the same effect by putting glue on your head and sticking it in a barber's midden"

(58) Ironically Billy has just completed a film Everlasting Piece - about the owners of a WIG business in 1980's Belfast.

(59) Pamela Stephenson's controversial biography BILLY, was declared Best Book at this year's British Book Awards.

(60) Billy is currently in Australia shooting The Man Who Sued God.

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TAKE ME BACK TO Billy Connolly PLEASE.

TAKE ME BACK TO GOVAN FOLK PLEASE.

Take me back